I am of the age of crotchety women. I am allowed to sulk if I want to, cry whenever the mood strikes me, refer to everyone as “sweetie,” “honey,” or “darling” and dare not be questioned on such a term of endearment, but most of all I am free to speak my mind and not give a flying flip who cares. Because of my station in life—a long-fought journey from the womb until now—I can say this with conviction: As your body gets older and Mother Nature and her evil minions take hold, bumps and bulges may rear their ugly head but never fear—this is not due to weight gain; you’re simply retaining food. It’s as good an explanation as it gets. Have no fear of the food. Don’t walk towards the light but, rather, walk towards the glow that is emitted from that lovely plate of food. Between you and me, if you’re a man or woman of a certain age, you’re really not gaining weight after all.